Wednesday, June 01, 2005

The Incredible Melting Man

I remember in Kidd's Art Class at the skill one day, one of my classmates Liam Malarky took a ball of plasticine, squashed it between the palms of his hand, and put a head and 2 legs on it. He called it "The Incredible Melting Man". Kidd thought this was fkn marvellous and promptly hailed Malarky as the new Damien Hirst, much to the chagrin of 'proper' class artist Salvador Nash.

Little did I think, that some 20 years later I would encounter the real life version.

On a quiet summer morning I received a phone call at Env Health to say that an auld boy had been found deid in his bottom floor flat. The dugs hud refused to enter the close and suspicious neebors, who hudny gave a fk aboot the pair auld boy when he wis alive, wanted sumhing done right away. The attendant joiner had simply opened the letterbox and was met with a swarm of blueboatils and the characteristic odour of decaying human entrails.

When I attended the scene the Polis Diving Unit, in full regalia, hud awready been in and taken away whit wis left i the remains. On entering the flat I was first struck by the condition of the flat - the perr auld geezer had been living in squalor for years. Nae carpets, jist dirt.

When we entered the living room, we were met wi the above sight. The man had been sleepn oan a mattress, wi another mattress oan top as a blanket ti keep warm. He hud snuffed it during the nicht and the body had lain for a number of weeks.

He hud basically melted inti the 2 mattresses, forming a sort of pastrami sandwich, wi mayonnaise and mustard. His heid wis propped against the wall, and if u look closely enuff u can still see whaur his heid wis - yes, that is the outline of his ears on the wa.

Interestingly. I wis there ti arrange clean up and ti spray fur maggots. But, as any of u who have an interest in medical entymology will ken, there were nane ti be seen as they hud aw turned inti blueboatils.

Mair oan this fascinating subject here.

Next Month: Cap'n Ahab

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