Sturdie

Some of you, well C. Cox, may be familiar wi the works of Kevin Sturdie, beloved correspondant of many a local newspaper. Due to the right wing nature of newspaper editors as they pander to the local labour cooncils, many of his greatest works remain unpublished. Here are a selection.

Sent to Evening News: I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.

Q Magazine : The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

Heat : Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

People's Friend: A friend of my wife's recently pointed out that we have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

Greenock Telegraph & Evening News : I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Glasgow and Edinburgh, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on he other foot now, isn't it, Currys?

Journal & Gazette : On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Golden Chip on the High Street.