Happy Bo'ness Fair Day fi BOOB

Fair E'en Fever

The moarn's the Fair, n we'll be there.
B4 that - mibbe see u aroond the airches.
Hav a gid yin fi the BOOB.

(Foreign visitors - the 'Fair E'en' is the evening before the Bo'ness Fair Day when local townsfolk put on thir second best outfit of the summer (the best outfit, known as the 'Fair Klaze' is already washed, pressed (ironed), hanging up ready for tomorrow) and walk around the town viewing what are known as the 'airches'. These are a collection of temporary structures and house frontages made by locals wi money ti burn to celebrate their children participating in the actual Fair itself. Indeed, the 'airch' decorated town of Bo'ness was the inspiration for the film Brigadoon. Later excited weans will be given cally-coads by thir Faithers, resulting in loose change fawing oot i trooser poakits and rolling doon a gundy, whereupon cries of "Scoor-oot" will be heard).

BOOB World Cup Sweep Update

Inty the quarter finals and the draw hus flung up some intriguing ties.

Tricky's Krauts v. Yan's Argies

An aw-tumchie field clash between Binnz'z Italia and Broon's Ukrainians.

Stu McF's tells me ironically he likes a Brazilian, and they are up against Superplumb's French led bi Terry Hinry fi Newtoon.

Finally we see Dek C's hapless Engerland jist waitn ti be exposed as imposters like Graham Poll, against Broon's second team in the quarters, the Big Phil inspired Portugal.

Good luck. A special prize fur the winner.

That's takin the Bo'ness Fair too far min

Lorne takes his luv i the Bo'ness Fair and Star Wars ti new extremities i bad taste is he dresses up his wee dug Toby ti walk roond wi him in the Fair Procession.

Wid wi no awe look braw?

Here's the first idea, wi could aw go is Wonder Wumin.

A wee idea fir nixt year.

Me and Carrier were hain a wee chat the other nicht and thoat it wid be a half decent idea tae git a wee bit mair involved in the fair, efter some serious deliberating we came up wi a grand plan, BUILD A FLOAT. Am shair the BOOB boays could come up wi a crackin float and wi could aw participate in the procession. If yeese huv any feasible ideas please enter thum in. Hopefully nixt year wi kin start rebuildin the Fair intae sumhing tae be proud i and no the farce that it is turnin intae. Whaw kens mibbi the Double D's will dae thir ain yin tae and wi could start a trend.

Record breakers

Well done BOOBs everywhaur - in the last twa days we've smasht thru the 20,000 visitor barrier since we began counting in Feb 2005 (we've been gaun longer thin that tho' mind), a record fur blogs whose contributors are boays, auld n fi Bo'ness.

Tenuous Link Time

To celebrate Lorne feenishn his airch and his love i film, here is a foaty fi the Dukes i Hazzard Twa, shown the new Daisy Duke between takes haein a typical "lady snack" - a donut n 3 packets i crisps.

World Cup Memorabilia

Doon it ma Maw's the nicht, discovered this in ma auld bedroom.
Boax a bit tatty, and some alcohol stains, the results i Hannah spraying lager fi ma loft it a pairty, bit no in bad nick.
A wonder how much a wid git oan ebay fur it?

Feenished. Hurrah time fir a beer.

The completit fairy airch in awe its glory, dinnae be shy, come and see it in the flesh.

Bo'ness Fair FM

Ex-pats and Lazy Baistarts!

Nae need ti miss oot oan the Crowning oan the Fair moarnin'. Jist tune inty Valley FM 87.7, open a beer, and 'chillax' listening ti the dulcet tones i the irrepresible Douglas Snedden live fi the Toon Hall verandah, as he utters they oft kent and immortal words,

"Hip, Hip!"

Bring Back the Foreshore Frolics!

In years gone by, aboot this time, we wid aw be haedin doon the toon ti watch those annual tests of strength and ability kent and loved bi aw Bo'nessians as the Foreshore Frolics. BOOB say bring thum back and introduce a new gen ti the delights i girr and cleek racing, greasy poles and my personal favourite - the pianny smashin (above).
N, preferably, make it an aw-wummin affair tae.

Rogue Lithgi Helicopter Pilot

Nae ither words ti describe this boy, bit a bona fide 100% certified fkn nutcase.

WAG = SLAG

Thigh tatts or naw, huv went right aff Tweedy wi her shenanigans this efternin supportn the Auld Enemy wi Beckhams stick insect wife. N is fur the latter -did ye see her staunin up n applauded the goal? She hud a look oan her face like "Ah kent that wid happen".
Nae wonder Becks wis physically seek oan the park, the thoat i huvn ti cum hame ti yon 'gundy-avoider' every nicht.

And now for something completely different

The BOOB are well-educated, and we aw ken thit the first action i the Battle i Britain happened near oor wee toun, or mair precisely oot ower the Forth. Whit we need i sum WWII guncam footage in glorious technicolour ti remind us thit nivir in the field i Bo'ness conflict wis so much given by si few.

Jist daein ma bit fur the Bo'ness Fair is usual

Earlier the day, sweat lashn oot mi wi aw ma hard work, ah took time oot ti take a foaty i Millsy pittn the final touches ti the airch ah helped ti build.

Alphabet Soup

Hings go fi bad ti worse in the Hole, as the lads encounter the worst spellin i 'minestrone' in the history i the English language.

Gutted

Dejected faces all round in the newly refurbisht Health & Happiness as England progress inty the last eight. Even the appearance of German International fitba star Oliver Neuville (right) failed to lift the gloom.

I, Robot

A simpleton English-topped Peter Crouch-a-like dis a robotic dance i joy in the Star, Lithgi this efternin, celebratn his team's lucky win ower a team thit Bo'ness United could hav beat.

Home Improvement

Greegs jist pittn the final touches ti his hoose before the Fair.

Ned Names

Git ur ain Ned Name here.
I nivir like these hings, bit prophetically ma ain ned name is "Big Boaby".

Here we go here we go here we go

It didny take long fur thum ti start thir usual cairry-oan.
BBC England grudgingly reporting rammies the night oan thir website.
Chuck thum oot in the competition ah say!

Sorry day in the life oaf a BOOB.

This year yeese ill be disapointet bit am walkin wi the bairns is a steward, so al no see yeese it the park in the moarnin is al hae front row saits. Also al be walkin ahint the best band in the world( no Status Quo bit Kinniel Band) so please show yir support when a pass yeese in nae hecklin.

Instint naketniss.

here's the secret i gittin yir klaise aff really fast when yir bird's gaggin fir it. Carrier lasts is long in the sack is this boy takes tae git his aff.

Many Happy Re-runs

20 years ago min!

Brekkin News

Major Polis operation underway oot fi G-pans, acroass fi the auld Snooker centre.
Hoose search underwey.
Roads bloackt.
Mair details is they become available.

Soartit fur T agn

Gid auld Flash ower in oor wee twin-toun in the desert, Las Vegas, has respondit ti ma request fur some pre-T choonage fi the boys Housecat n Garnier.
Git ower thair n listen up.
Meanwile some foaties fi last year:

Above: 'Laird Snash' dis big fish wee fish, cardboard box


Above: Whit wi the heat in the Slam tent of course Yan hud ti git his shirt aff - eftir twa meenits.


Above: The Lassies chilln oot, bit Snash still hus ti try and impress them wi 3 press-ups

PS - am thinkn aboot runnin a bus ti Vegas ower the September weekend. Names please.

Bez Begone

Youse may huv noticed that the 'Bez out of the Happy Mondays' post has disappeared.
In a fkn krasy metaphorical twist, jist like Bez's drugs, this is on the account i it being sourced fi a dubious location, and consequently resulted in ma PC gittn riddled wi viral hepatitis. Symptoms are internet connection fails efter a couple i meenits resultn in need to reboot.
Readers should be unaffected bit if embdy is haein any probs lit me ken.

Faither's Day

Whit present did you get from this list? If anyone got the Nº 1 prezzie, can we all come roond for the footy?

U2 v Bush

Dubya sings a classic fi the eighties.

Dead of Night

There he stands in Burns the Butchers.
Condemned for life in his shoap windae cell.
His hand bandaged fi an ealier accident wi an unguarded meat slicer.
Eternally choppn his leg i pork.
Chop. Chop. Chop.
Choppn n watchn the passers-by.
Choppn n watchn you.
Choppn n waitn fur the chance.
Choppn n waitn.
Waitn.
Waitn ti chop you.

Foaty Anticipation

Saw Binnz this efternin it the Skill Spoarts Day. He telt me thit the elusive Mr.Duncan hud peyed him a visit recently. Intriguingly, he said he's also gaun ti dig oot n poast a foaty he's goat fi his weddn, involving Calum's ex-gf, Nevets n a large banany.
Watch this space.

BOOB World Cup Discussion Threed - part yin

Well that's the first roond i games feenisht.
Hows ur team daein?
Havn seen aw the teams, wha dae ye think will win?
Hus ur wife left ye yit?
Discuss.

Best headline so far

Well spanked in the end.

Caption Competition

See if u kin beat the ACTUAL caption thit appeared on the BBC website.

Gpans Immobiliser

Utilising advanced Gundy technology.

Summer of Love

1967. A child is oan its way ti the world. Ti Bo'ness in fact. G-pans.
"Whit r we gonny call him?"

Top Ten Urinals

Top Ten World Pish Stoaps.

C'moan - we kin beat that.

Post ur favourite/maist unusual/clartiest pisher in the comments below.

BOOB Tartan Army Legends

No:41
"Bonnie Wee Jeannie McColl"
(the oanly song he kent).

World Cup Live - in ASCII

Watch aw the games LIVE in ASCII.
In Windows:

run 'cmd' (Press 'Windows-Key'-'R', type 'cmd' and ENTER)
or find the the command shell in your 'start' menu

on the command shell type:

telnet ascii-wm.net 2006

Stand back, screw yir een up and enjoy, cortesy BOOB.

Instant Fair Day Happiness Kit

Building an airch? Guarantee a smile oan ur wean's face oan the fair day by downloading this, printing it aff and discretely posting it during the procession. Stick a £5 note in a broon envelope thru yir ain door and hey presto! Nae mair tears. Simple.

DVLA Alert

Believe

Efter yisterday's performance.

BOOB World Cup Sweep

The official BOOB sweep was drawn earlier this evening, independently verified by Wee Gill who was using the Ginger Baws.
There were 32 teams in the hat and 18 BOOBs (thanks to Ricky H for the arithmetical kick up the erse oan that yin), so 4 unlucky gets drew a blank, including masel ya baistarts.
The results are as follows:
· CARRIER - BLANK & JAPAN
· LORNE - SPAIN & SOUTH KOREA
· FUTIN DET – MEXICO & ECUADOR
· NASH - GHANA & AUSTRALIA
· NOT SO SAGGY - HOLLAND & TOGO
· SUPERPLUMB – FRANCE & PARAGUAY
· NEVETS - BLANK & CROATIA
· BINNZ - COSTA RICA & ITALY
· COX - SAUDI ARABIA & CZECH REPUBLIC
· BROON - UKRAINE & PORTUGAL
· STU MCF - BLANK & BRAZIL
· STU KING - USA & IRAN
· MARKYBHOY - ANGOLA & SWEDEN
· WEEGC - TUNISIA & POLAND
· TRICKY - GERMANY & SERBIA & MONTENEGRO
· RICKYH – BLANK & SWITZERLAND
· DEK C - ENGLAND & TRINIDAD & TOBAGO
· YAN – ARGENTINA & IVORY COAST

The winner will receive a special prize.

BOOB tales of the World Cup

No:16
Italia 90
Sixteen years ago, and fresh from seeing Scotland famously gub Sweden 2-1 in Genoa, some 600 miles to the East, the McKenzie Brothers celebrate the victory with a drunken wrestle. Later, they would cool off with a refreshing Nastro Azzruro Peroni at the Racquet Bar, enjoy a four seasons pizza wi 'Smiler' fi Paisley (who wid later achieve notoriety by kissing a Swedish poliswummin at Euro 2002), be asked to 'appear in a film' by a shady dutch swinger couple and end the evening with the customary 'march past' of a thousand fellow Scots, accompanied by the pipes and drums, until being advised to set off home by the local machine-gun toting Carabineri.

World Cup Fever

No long ti go noo - am unavailable this Settirday, bit whit aboot Sweden v England oan the 20th? Lits git the gither fur that yin, hae a few beers and git right behind Henke & Co.
Start plannin here.

Lorne's Airch taking shape

I kin exclusively reveal thit Lorne's airch is takin shape and is gonny be a beauty - he's pit a loat i work inty his 'Faerie Forest' creation, even makin his ain tree fi scratch ( as opposed ti choppn yin doon it Kinneil Wids). It'll be well worth the visit oan the Fair Een, and visitors will no doobt be welcomed in fur a lung-warming roll-up and a friendly beer or five - he keeps it in the garage if he claims he husny goat any left btw. This will also give the opportunity for a pish stoap if u hav been along the Murries.

I Spy Strangers

Ah spotted Auld Tam Dalyell ralliyn his Jag up the Church Wynd the ither day, ah think he hud been doon ti Lidls ti check oot the special offers. Foreign visitors might like ti ken thit Dalyell wis the notorious MP who posed the now famous 'West Lothian question' in the House of Commons, i.e. "Whit is Lithgi aw aboot?".

In a related question to ma fellow G-panzers - wha remembers, years ago, that lassie 'Dalyell' thit (allegedly) yased ti gie line-ups doon it the garages along fi the black n white squares?

Bools

Hae a go it Tumbler.

Ultra World Cup Ball

Anither Bo'ness claim ti fame - did ye ken thit the designer i the new World Cup Match Ba' goat his inspiration fi playn in the sand doon it the Cost del Crookies, when his leather goat covered in the sticky wee broon & white fish si prevalent doon thair?